Adrenaline
by kriskringle
Summary: 'You should put your clothes back on, MacKenzie.' 'No.' Her eyes are glittering and her voice is clipped and emotionless. 'Take yours off.'


'You should put your clothes back on, MacKenzie.'

'No.' Her eyes are glittering and her voice is clipped and emotionless. 'Take yours off.'

'MacKenzie –'

'I mean it, Will_.' _She gets up from the couch and comes to stand in front of him. He's never seen her eyes look quite so empty. Or cold.

'Take them off,' she says, her voice monotone. 'Or so help me God, I will walk out that door and hand Charlie my resignation Monday morning.'

He stares at her and curves his lips into a smirk. 'You're going to quit if I don't take my clothes off,' he repeats, mocking her. He has no idea how tonight got so far out of hand but he's sure as fuck not going to back down now: this is a pissing contest he intends to win.

'The BBC offered me a job last week and I will not hesitate to accept it if you don't do as I ask,' she says simply. 'Now take them _off._'

_What the fuck? _

He guesses the tables have turned so he begins unbuttoning his shirt, working slowly, taking his time. As he feels the hard buttons beneath his fingertips he tries to work out what to say, what the fuck this whole thing means.

'Look at me while you undress, Will.'

He glances at her and looks away again.

She's trying very hard to modulate her voice but when she speaks again she comes very close to shrieking.

'I_ said_, 'Look at me while you undress!''

He startles and locks eyes with her. She sees defiance there but there's much in his expression she doesn't recognize. She imagines there's much in hers he doesn't recognize, either. They've changed so much over the years, each of them grown more jagged and rigid with each passing day.

He shrugs off his shirt, pulls his t-shirt over his head and flicks it towards his kitchen. Now all that's left are his boxers, hastily pulled back on after a brutal, angry lovemaking session borne of an attraction as deep as their DNA. He'd insisted on doing it mostly clothed while insisting she do it entirely naked.

'Everything, Will. I want you to be as naked as I am.'

He doesn't say anything, just tugs down his boxers and steps out of them, kicking them away with his foot.

'Go back to the couch and sit down,' she commands.

He does as she asks and she walks over to where he's seated. Her lips tremble despite her bravado and he hopes she can't see his own hands are shaking. _What the fuck has happened to us?_ He doesn't have time to sort it out because suddenly she's clambering onto his lap and he thinks he can smell the copious amounts of cum he just pumped into her. (There'd been very little room for rational thought in their coupling. Still, if he's honest with himself, there was something else there, too - mostly the love he feels for her, all the time, despite everything.)

He hates what's just happened between them. Of all the thousands of times he's imagined them finally, finally, giving in, he'd never once imagined a coupling so devoid of love: he hadn't wanted to bite down hard on her lips – he'd wanted to suckle them, soothe them, to revel in the sensation of finally being able to drink her in. He hadn't wanted to mechanically bring her to orgasm while he fucked her, stroking her clit with practiced movements – he'd wanted to coax, to tease a climax out of her so strong it made her scream his name while simultaneously delivering the both of them from their self-imposed perdition. He hadn't wanted to merely grunt when he came – he'd wanted to tell her over and over again how much he loves her.

But he couldn't do that.

And he hasn't the first fucking clue as to why.

'What are you doing, MacKenzie?' he asks coldly as she places her forearms on his shoulders, idly tangling her fingers in his hair. It's warm and soothing and he just wants to lean his forehead against hers and close his eyes but he doesn't.

She doesn't immediately respond, just looks at him appraisingly. Her face is inches away from his. Her mascara is smeared a little bit, but it makes her eyes look smoky and he can't help thinking she looks even sexier than she did earlier in the evening when they'd started going at it.

'We crossed a line tonight, Will,' she says finally. He doesn't look at her so she places both hands on either side of his face and forces him to look her in the eye. 'And I'm not going to let you drag me back over it. This stops here. Tonight.'

Her breath is warm and intoxicating and God, he just wants to kiss her but he can't.

'What the fuck do you want from me?'

She flinches but keeps her hands in his hair and his face turned towards her. 'I want you to choose. Either you lay down your arms and we fix this together or I take that job and we never see each other again.'

His eyes widen and he inhales sharply, which doesn't escape her notice. _Good_.

He blinks hard several times, trying to get his emotions under control.

'Fix what?' he says finally, feigning indifference. Of course he knows damned well what she means.

'Do you love me?'

'What do you want from me, MacKenzie?' he says again.

'The truth, Will. Answer the fucking question or I swear to God I am walking out that door.'

There's something ruthless in her eyes and despite knowing he could easily take her, a feeling of cold terror grips him.

Would she really do that? Would she really leave the show? Leave _him_?

'Yes,' he says softly, and she loosens her hold on his head, allowing him to turn it away.

'Say it.'

'Yes,' he repeats.

'Not that. Tell me.'

This time he voluntarily looks into her eyes. 'I love you.'

'Again.'

'MacKenzie – '

'Again, Will. I want to hear you say it again.'

'I love you – but - I don't know if I can –'

'Forgive me?'

'Yes.'

'Well, you need to start trying instead of hoping it will come without any intervention on your part. Or I'm done.'

'Do you honestly think I haven't been trying?'

'Whatever you're doing isn't working and I won't stand for it. Not anymore.'

'Are you actually_ ordering_ me to forgive you? You do realize that's not how it works, right?'

'You don't have the first clue about how forgiveness works, Will, so don't pretend otherwise. What I'm telling you is that you need to figure it out or -'

'You're gonna quit. Yeah, I got that.'

She resists the urge to burst into tears. _Is this all that's left of them? Thrust, counter-attack?_

Her fingers clench into a hard fist and she raises it in frustration, ready to smash it into her thigh. Immediately his hand is out and he's gripping her wrist, holding it tightly.

_'_Don't raise your hand to me, MacKenzie,' he says, his voice dripping with venom. '_Ever_._'_

Is that what he thinks of her? How little he thinks of her? Her face crumples and she bursts into tears.

She guesses it's finally fucking over.

She tries to propel herself off his lap but he snakes two arms around her back like a vice. She presses her palms against his chest, trying to wrench herself free, but he holds fast to her, cupping the back of her head with his hand and pressing her face against his neck. She struggles for a bit but gives up moments later, too exhausted to fight and as she collapses against him, he feels her convulsive sobs vibrating down his chest.

_What the fuck has happened to us?_

He's rocking her now, trying to soothe her, trying to erase the last two hours, trying to pull them back from the brink of disaster. The 5% of him that still wants to make her pay is back in its cage, leaving the other 95% in charge, so he drops kisses into her hair, murmuring into her ear.

'Shhhhh, it's okay – it's okay - we can fix this – please – I love you.'

Her sobs redouble so he shuts up and continues to rock her, rubbing what he hopes are comforting circles into the smooth, silken skin on her back. She shivers and when goose bumps break out beneath his fingers he reaches up to pull a blanket down from behind his head, tucking it tightly around them.

'I love you,' he says again.

She begins to calm and soon he feels her settle more comfortably against him. They don't say a word, each listening to the sound of each other's breathing. He's not sure what just happened, or what will happen, but he's afraid to break the spell so he doesn't move. He just wants her to stay.

A half-hour passes and around 1:00 Will begins to doze. He's just nestled his nose against the top of her head when MacKenzie twitches as she passes into deep sleep. It jerks him awake.

He rubs his eyes and looks down at her, sleeping against him. It's been ages since he's held her this close for so long and it feels warm and sweet and he loves her so much it hurts.

'Hey,' he whispers, rubbing her arm. 'It's late.'

Her eyes open and she looks up at him, groggy, trying to get her bearings. She can feel her breasts against his bare chest and all at once the events of the evening come rushing back to her. She doesn't get up though – instead she burrows more deeply into him, unwilling to break their connection. She's naked on Will's lap and she's not giving that up without a fight.

She hears Will sigh into her hair.

'Mac, I'm too old to sleep sitting up,' he whines. 'Let's go to bed.'

His bed? He's not kicking her out? Well then.

She sits back and stretches a bit, taking her time as he rolls his eyes at her. Then she slowly gets to her feet and extends her hand. He takes it, getting up to trail along behind her as she walks toward his bedroom.

'Do you have an extra toothbrush?' she asks.

He nods, gets it for her and waits on the bed while she goes to the bathroom. She's back in a few minutes and then he does the same and when he comes back out, she's lying on her old side of the bed. She opens the covers to let him in and when he does, she shimmies over to him and presses herself against him, laying her head on his chest. He wraps an arm around her as he stares into the dark of the room. It's good to be alone with her in the dark. He's always found it much easier to talk about his feelings when she can't see him.

He contemplates what he needs to say, what they both need for him to say and finally takes a deep breath before plunging ahead.

'Please don't leave,' he says softly.

He can feel her head raise up and he knows she's looking at him.

'The show?'

'Me,' he whispers, stroking her arm. 'Please don't leave _me_.' She can hear his voice quavering.

'If you need to leave ACN because you think it would be good for your career,' he says quickly, because he's afraid he won't be able to finish if he doesn't get it all out now. 'I won't like it but I'll deal with it but please – please don't leave me. I don't want to lose you.'

'What are you saying, Will?'

'I'm saying I love you. And I want to be with you – in every way – all the time.'

'Have you forgiven me in the last hour?'

'I don't know – I just – I don't want to lose you and that has to mean something, right? Maybe it means I don't want to lose you more than I want to hold on to the past.'

'Okay,' she says softly, laying her head on his chest again.

'I hate what happened tonight.'

Her head jerks up. 'What?'

'Before – when we had sex. That's not the way I wanted it to happen.'

_So he's thought about it happening before. Interesting._

'Angry sex has never been my thing and that's not - that's not how I ever imagined our first time would be.'

'How did you imagine it would be?'

He strokes her hair and she closes her eyes, listening to his voice.

'Full of love.'

'Me too.'

'You've thought about it before – about what it would be like to get together?'

'Only about a hundred thousand times.'

'How did you want it to be?'

'Full of love – like you said. I'd really like to show you but it's an act in three parts, so I think we'll need to spend most of the day in bed. Do you mind?'

He drops another kiss on her head. 'It's a date.'

'Good night, Billy. I love you.'

'I love you, too.'

He closes his eyes and feels himself beginning to drift. Having her here next to him, in his bed, feels right in a way nothing has in years.


End file.
